


Learning To Love a Monster

by canpru



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Assisted Suicide, Borderline Personality Disorder, CSA, Child Neglect, Delusions, Dysfunctional Relationships, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Hospitals, Hostage Situations, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Murder, Needles, Overdosing, Paranoia, Physical Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, Sexual Abuse, Sexual Content, Sexual Violence, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Verbal Abuse, idk how to explain but I make fun of my own/akaashis suicide attempts in this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-19
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-14 21:54:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29548920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/canpru/pseuds/canpru
Summary: Akaashi Keiji is the monster of his own story. Akaashi had ruined every relationship he had ever been in, friendship or romantic or even family. It never mattered. He loved with his entire heart, but didn't believe anyone ever loved him back. No one was allowed to have space away from him, because that meant another person was leaving him. That meant he got angry, that meant he had to hurt them before they hurt him. Or that meant he had to run away and disappear. He'd sign out of all his accounts and turn off his phone, and in a few days when people didn't notice he got angrier. The ones that did notice? He'd cling to them and cry for hours, whining about every small problem in his life. Till they got sick and tired of him and left him as well. After all, Keiji caused nearly every single one of the problems he had.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Akaashi Keiji/Oikawa Tooru, Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi, toxic okiawa / akaashi
Comments: 7
Kudos: 34





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, Akaashi is a bit occ in this. I have borderline personality disorder, and gave Akaashi my same paranoia and delusions. No one plays volleyball in this fic because I am terrible with sports despite the fact this anime is one of my biggest interests. There is also a scene in this where there's a consensual sex, but safe words and stuff were not discussed, and aftercare was not applied. So, while Akaashi wanted it, he wasn't ready and the aftermath left him feeling used and gross. But, it isn't his fault. This is a very intimate vent fic for me to be writing, so proceed with caution.
> 
> edit: hi! I made a playlist of songs from everyone's POV in this fic! who's who? enjoy figuring it out. 
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/03SKitn5ZiureGxq2K3kTn?si=976c54c83be145df

"I'm not him, Keiji. I will never be any of them. I love you, and I’m not leaving." Koutarou had said these words more times a thousand times, and he promised he'd say them a thousand more. But he was starting to get exhausted. 

Akaashi knew this, he knew one day Bokuto was going to get tired of proving himself to Akaashi. He knew one day Koutarou was going to finally lose his temper, and finally tell Keiji that he couldn't take care of him anymore. That Keiji was exhausting and childish. That he had a therapist, and that if she couldn't save him his boyfriend surely couldn't either. That Akaashi was a leech, who drained everyone he tricked into caring about him until they were sick and just as miserable as him. That's what always happened after all. 

Akaashi had ruined every relationship he had ever been in, friendship or romantic or even family. It never mattered. He loved with his entire heart, but didn't believe anyone ever loved him back. No one was allowed to have space away from him, because that meant another person was leaving him. That meant he got angry, that meant he had to hurt them before they hurt him. Or that meant he had to run away and disappear. He'd sign out of all his accounts and turn off his phone, and in a few days when people didn't notice he got angrier. The ones that did notice? He'd cling to them and cry for hours, whining about every small problem in his life. Till they got sick and tired of him and left him as well. After all, Keiji caused nearly every single one of the problems he had. 

Hinata and Kenma had been his friends for years, long before he met Bokuto. He had met them in middle school, and they had been friends up until his last year of high school. They had both known him more than he knew himself, and that surely meant they knew he had thought they were being honest when they promised one day they'd all run away together. That they'd build a little bakery together, or a restaurant. Or they'd all be famous one day. All these ideas, but they always ended in being together. They surely had to have known how bad it hurt when they decided he wasn't wanted anymore. 

"I know you're hurting, Keiji." Kenma had said, his voice strained to hide his frustration. "But that doesn't mean you can treat us like your therapists. That doesn't mean we aren't hurting either."

"We just need a break." Hinata had said through his sobs. "We love you a lot, but you can't keep scaring us like this. You can't keep acting out when you get scared. You can't keep hurting yourself every time you feel lonely. We can't keep wondering if you're alive after every little fight."

They had left Akaashi's house that night, and despite what they had said, Akaashi had only spoken to Kenma one more time. 

Keiji, in his sorrow, ran to Kuroo and Kei. After all, they had met the year before and even if they were closer to Kenma they still cared about him. Right? Kei promised they did, and Kuroo had been there every night to message him and make him promise he'd be there in the morning. A few months later, Keiji finally heard from Kenma again.

The sound of Kenma's ringtone, the one Keiji had picked out just for him, sent a rush of anxiety and excitement through Keiji's body. Practically running across the room, Keiji couldn't help but feel happy. 

"You guys are ready for me to come back?" Keiji asked, his heart pounding.

"I don't want to hear about you ever again." Kenma had said simply, and Keiji couldn't help but sob. "I want to pretend you don't exist, and so does Hinata." 

"What did I do?" Keiji had sobbed into the phone. "You guys promised me you just needed a break from me. I haven't bothered you at all."

"Kuroo told us everything." Kenma had said, making Akaashi's blood run cold. "You can't suck people dry and then run off to whoever will take you for a little while. You didn't try to get better, you milked this and made it all about yourself. You're a leech, Akaashi. You can't survive on your own. And I'm sorry about that, but we can't stay sane if we have to take care of you and ourselves everyday. I hope you get better."

And with that, Kenma hung up. As he sobbed, Keiji felt the anger rise up, until all he could do was scream. Throwing his phone across the room, and covering his face with his hands as the satisfying crack echoed throughout the room. Akaashi never heard his voice again after that. For a long time, Akaashi told himself he didn't want to. Lying to himself was the only thing keeping him from running back and asking for another chance. 

But, Akaashi never learned his lesson. Hinata reached out to him a day later, but Keiji didn't wanna believe that Hinata missed him. Because surely he had to be lying right? Akaashi seemed to believe that everyone else was above him, so surely Hinata and Kenma just wanted something to laugh over. Kenma had to have sent Hinata to see if Akaashi was angry, and suffering. So they could both laugh at him, the pathetic leech boy who couldn't survive without them. So, Akaashi got angry.

"I never want to hear from you guys again. I never want to hear from Kei or Kuroo either." Akaashi had spat. "You must have sent them to keep an eye on me. To make sure I wasn't talking about you. Because HOW DARE I? RIGHT? How dare I be angry that you two ABANDONED ME?"

"That isn't what happened." Hinata said, his voice wavering. "Please stop yelling at me. I can't control what any of them say or do, but I know Kenma. He was just angry that you said we got sick of you and hated you. We just needed a break, Keiji."

"Well, now you get it now don't you? You'll never have to see me again after graduation. I'm SO SORRY that you'll be forced to deal with me in your school for a few more months." Keiji was crying now, his hands shaking. "He was right about me, ya know? I know I'm awful, I drain everyone who has ever been tricked into giving a shit about me."

"Akaashi, no one is mad at you. At least not anymore. Kenma feels awful. Kei and Kuroo just were worried about you, they didn't try to snitch on you or whatever else you seem to believe." Hinata was getting frustrated now, and he almost never got frustrated with Keiji. It made him feel sick to his stomach. "We all miss you, I think we all just need to sit down and have a talk. Everyone can apologize." 

"What do I have to apologize for? For being too mentally ill for you two to handle? I try, every single day. All I do is try to impress you guys and make you happy. I didn't care what Kei and Kuroo thought of me, I wanted you two."

"Akaashi, they care about you too. They're people too. They aren't just extensions of us." Hinata scolded. "And they weren't trying to replace us. You can't just spit in their faces because they aren't us." 

Akaashi could only laugh. "Oh, but don't you know? I'm awful! You guys all gather together and say it don't you! Look at Keiji, the helpless baby who can't survive without other people. The angry, mean liar who will betray anyone if someone else gives him attention."

"No one said you betrayed anyone! We know you said those things because you were hurt." Hinata tried, grabbing onto Keiji's hand just for Keiji to pull it back. "But you hurt us too, we love you and have been there for you. Six years of all of Kenma and I spending every moment with you and you tell Kuroo and Kenma we had to have been messing with you? That we used you to make us feel better about ourselves?"

"You both LEFT ME."

"We NEEDED a BREAK, Keiji!" Hinata yelled back. "But all those sleep overs? The times we stayed on facetime for hours even if we were just all silently enjoying each other's company. The letters and cards we wrote on all the Christmas and birthday gifts we spent so much money on. How when Tobio broke up with me and Kenma and his girlfriend were fighting that one year and you bought us both roses on Valentine's day even when we didn't know you were just rejected by the boy you had a crush on for years that morning. That time your mother hit you and kicked you out of the house and we snuck you into my house even when Kenma was grounded and got in trouble that morning for sleeping over. None of that means anything to you? None of that proves we all loved each other? What more do you want from us? We told you we still oved you every time you asked us even if we were fighting." 

"Who knows? You guys are the ones who got sick of me. Maybe you were talking behind my back the entire six years. Either way, I'm done." Akaashi spat, shoving Hinata back away from his door. "You need to get out. And never come back because I hate all four of you."

And with that, Akaashi slammed his door shut. That was the last time Akaashi ever spoke to any of them again, his last memory with Hinata would forever be the sound of Hinata's sobs fading away as Keiji covered his mouth and pressed his body against the door to softly cry.

That night Akaashi took every pill he could find, laying in bed and shaking as he prayed for the pain to go away. He had hoped he wouldn't wake up, but he didn't sleep at all that night.

The next morning, he stayed home from school and cried. He ripped out his hair, and scratched his arms until they bled. 

_"Please let this all be a dream."_ He begged in his head. _"I want them to call me. I want to say sorry. I want it all to go away. I want us all to be happy again."_

But that evening, when he finally went to sleep, he knew nothing he did now would matter. He had burned so many bridges in his life, and finally he had freed the people who loved him most in life. He wished the action made him feel better, knowing he could never hurt them again. Knowing he could never make them feel the way he knew he always did. Like scared owners of a rabid animal that begged for their love and affection but scratched and spat and growled if they made a single mistake. He didn't feel good, he didn't feel like a hero at all. He wanted them back. He knew that deep down even if he knew how much he was hurting them, he wouldn't mind being an awful person if that meant he wasn't alone. 

Akaashi Keiji was an awful man. He was a leech, a manipulative rabid dog who hurt every person who ever felt pity for him. He played the act, limped and cried and begged. Played the pathetic wounded animal part until someone took him in. From there he'd continue to ruin their life, make a mess of their house and cover their body in wounds. Then he'd cry and beg until they felt sorry enough to take him in their arms again. 

He was sick.

Graduation came and went, and Akaashi found himself at home alone. All he ever did was lay in bed, only leaving to shower or eat when he was forced. Sometimes when his mother went to the shops he was forced to come along, those were his least favorite times. Akaashi would pray everyday that if his old friends saw him, they'd run up to him and forgive him. Tell him that they unblocked his number (he never tried to see if they did) and that they wanted things to go back to the way they were. But they never did, Keiji never saw them.

A few months later, his mother told him he could either go to school or go to work. Akaashi told his mother he'd go to work, and he'd start school the next year. Akaashi never did go to college, and he was twenty-three now. Akaashi did however end up working in a restaurant. He started bussing, until he was forced to move to dish washing. The added hours meant more money and despite how hard it was, Akaashi preferred being in the kitchen. Less people to interact with and see him.

One day, Akaashi was asked to be a waiter. They had sent someone home early not knowing a rush would start some time later. Keiji was promised everyone would help clean up and do dishes at the end if he helped the only other waitress until closing time. In the end, everyone stayed an extra hour but everything did get done. What happened between then was the more interesting part.

That was the day Akaashi Keiji had met Toru Oikawa, a boy who came from a rich family. Oikawa was a charmer, a man who always got what he wanted. Spoiled from the moment he was born and blessed with good looks, he never had to worry about anything. Akaashi had hoped he would get a good tip if he smiled and flirted a bit, seeing as Okiawa practically wore his wealth on his sleeve. Based on his watch that is. What he didn't expect was for Toru to give Akaashi his number.

Akaashi had dated one person in his entire life, and it hadn't lasted more than a few months. Not only was it middle school, but it was quite clear soon after that he wasn't all that into girls. So, he never actually went on a date in his life. Though, while Oikawa found it funny, he wasn't unkind about it.

It happened quite fast, Akaashi and Oikawa went on a few dates and by the forth Oikawa was already asking him to be his boyfriend. Akaashi, only nineteen at the time, thought it was quite charming and very exciting. Someone had actually searched him out first and wanted to be with him. Akaashi was happy to be wanted again, and Oikawa was happy to have someone with so much free time. It didn't take long for Akaashi to let Oikawa in either. 

Oikawa was a bit shocked at first, he had never thought someone with such a calm face would have so much anxiety on his mind all the time. But, he had promised Akaashi he didn't mind and that he was willing to get to know Akaashi and he loved him for him. Keiji had felt happy for the first time in a long time, and that scared him. The little voice in his head had told him that things were going to go wrong again, and that he didn't deserve Oikawa. It only took a month for Oikawa to start becoming annoyed.

"I already told you, Keiji. I was busy, my father is going to hand over the company to me one day and I can't just start working without knowing what I'm doing." Oikawa had said over the phone, sounding exhausted. 

"I know and I'm sorry. It's just I have so much free time all on my own and I miss you. Talking to you in the highlight of my day, and I know I can be overwhelming." Akaashi apologized, trying to ignore the sick feeling in his chest. "I was scared I had annoyed you somehow. I know that I didn't, but I guess I am now."

"Akaashi, you know you'd see me a lot more if we just moved in together right? I don't know why you won't take my offer." Oikawa sighed.

"We've only been together a month. I don't wanna rush it." Akaashi mumbled. "Plus, I'm not really used to living with anyone else but my mom. I haven't even had a sleepover in about two years."

"So, you find yourself.... embarrassing?"

"I guess." Keiji could feel his face heat up out of embarrassment. "It's kind of intimate to wake up beside someone, or for someone to watch you do human things. Like eat or shower. I wouldn't let you touch my dirty laundry either. And I'd probably look ugly if you saw me laying down just looking at my phone. Just things like that, humans kinda look funny if you stare at them too long."

"Keiji, you do realize I plan to have sex with you one day. Right?" Oikawa's voice sounded so calm and plain, but Keiji couldn't help but become flustered. 

"Well. That'd be okay with me.... but I'm not sure if it's something to bring up right now." Akaashi forced out. 

"It doesn't have to happen right now. My point is that I want to see these parts of you. You don't think I always look good at the time do you?" Oikawa made perfect sense, but still Akaashi couldn't help but feeling shy.

"I think I could never see you as anything except lovely, ya know? I think you're one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen." Akaashi meant it, and he hoped Toru knew he did. 

Akaashi had been the same with Kenma and Hianata. He had seen the two at their worse. Sick, in the morning after a rough sleep, exhausted after a gym class, their faces red and puffy as they cried their eyes out. He had never once thought they looked ugly or strange. He felt the same way about Oikawa too. Humans never looked good when they yawned, but Oikawa did. Not that Keiji would say that, he was afraid Toru would find him strange.

"If you think that, then why don't you move in with me? Or at least sleep with me? We've been together for awhile and you never even send naughty photos, or really any." Toru sounded annoyed now, and it made Keiji feel ill. 

"I didn't know you wanted these things so badly, Toru. I'm sorry." Keiji said, his voice shaken due to his nervousness. "I mean...we could do that soon. If you want."

"Really?" Toru asked after a moment of silence. "I mean... would you send photos now?" 

Akaashi felt a wave of anxiety wash over him. He didn't expect that so soon. He had never taken photos like that before, he didn't even know if he'd know what to send. He wasn't sure if he wanted to have sex at all yet either. He just didn't want to make Oikawa annoyed with him.

"Keiji? Are you alright?"

"Sorry." Akaashi forced out. "I guess I could. If you just... tell me what you want."

"Actually, I do have a few ideas." Oikawa almost purred, the sound of his body hitting his bed sending shivers down Akaashi's spine. 

Keiji had felt sick from the moment he had started, but this feeling made him feel guilty. Toru had been nothing but kind and loving since the two had met, and this was an adult relationship. Of course Toru wanted these things, and Keiji was supposed to want these things too. He had no reason to be scared, it was between him and Toru and Keiji wanted to make his boyfriend happy, of course he did. So, for a few months that's what Akaashi did. Whenever Toru asked, he'd send photos. It didn't matter if the conversation was something completely different or if Keiji was upset or busy. Oikawa made him happy, and it was his job to make him happy too.

By the second month, Akaashi and Oikawa had been in enough arguments for him to understand it was time to branch out and try to make friends again. No matter how difficult it was for him or how scared he was. So, Akaashi signed up for an app, and started looking. It wasn't very hard to find people. Being an adult, especially out of school, it was hard for lots of people to make friends. Childhood friendships, and even teen friendships were much different and lots of people had lost contact with old school friends, or were just at different points in their lives compared to others. Akaashi ended up meeting quite a few people, even if they only spoke a few times and never again or were off and on, Keiji felt happy to be speaking to anyone. 

Then, a few weeks into this adventure, Akaashi found Koshi Sugawara and Daichi Sawamura. Well, actually he had found Koshi, he was the one that introduced him to Daichi a week later. Akaashi adored the both of them from the moment they met. Koshi and Daichi had been dating since they were in middle school, a sugary sweet childhood sweethearts story that almost made Akaashi sick to his stomach. The two seemed to have never left the honeymoon phase, and were quite inseparable.

Akaashi had gotten to know quite a bit about them throughout the years. Daichi was studying to be an officer, and Sugawara had wanted to be a english teacher. However, in high school the store Sugawara had worked at had been robbed and gone wrong. This led to a four day hostage situation, which left Sugawara with a lot of paranoia and PTSD. Koshi had tried to return a few weeks later, but it had become too much for him. Instead, Koshi enrolled into online school for the rest of his time and started writing. He already had finished a few books by the end of his school year. 

Daichi was the only one who could get him to leave his house again. He helped Koshi feel safe again, and now Koshi could finally go places on his own. Even on bad days, with Daichi’s help Koshi could finally function again. Akaashi admired both of them for it. 

However, because of it Daichi was also quite protective over Koshi, and Koshi decided he didn’t want to be a teacher anymore. Both of these things, along with Daichi being in college, made it harder for both of them to make friends. Which is why Koshi had installed the app, that and the fact he had gotten lonely at home alone all the time. 

Daichi and Koshi had been engaged since the last year of highschool, and lived together in a small apartment uptown. Daichi had hoped this would make Koshi’s adjustment much easier and at first it had made things a bit harder. But, Akaashi knew deep down Koshi was grateful for his partner’s choice.

When Akaashi had met Koshi, he was only one year older than him. Yet, Akaashi couldn’t help but see how wise Koshi was, and as they had gotten closer Koshi was one of the few people that encouraged Akaashi to get a bit better and communicate better in all of his relationships. While his relationship with his mother would never be healthy, because of Koshi, Keiji had managed to heal some wounds. Keiji had gotten close to the pair quite quickly, and by the time Toru and him had celebrated their six months together, Akaashi had considered Daichi and Sugawara his best friends. It hadn’t taken him very long to tell the two, and Oikawa, about his history either. 

Keiji was happy, truly happy. But it wouldn’t last. 

The week after their six month anniversary Keiji had noticed Toru acting strange, he was irritated with Akaashi much more often now. They had more fights about Akaashi moving in, especially after he had gotten his own apartment now long before. Toru had stopped asking for apologizes, or even apologizing himself. He had started ignoring Akaashi. 

It happened every few days, they’d be fine, they’d argue, Toru would ignore him and then Keiji would have to reach out just for Toru to tell him he didn’t wanna talk about the situation anymore. Toru would be visibly annoyed for a while but then things would be okay. Then, the dance would start again. Toru would push and Keiji would pull and both sides would scream and argue and Akaashi would cry and beg for Toru to forgive him.

Finally, Koshi got sick of mending Akaashi’s wounds every time. 

“You need to talk to him.” Koshi had said, brushing Akaashi’s hair with his fingers as he cried into his chest. “Something is wrong, it has to be deeper than just wanting you to move in with him.”

“It’s not fair how he’s treating you either.” Daichi would say, holding Koshi’s other hand in his. 

“Something needs to change. This can’t keep happening, you can’t do this dance with him forever.” Koshi said firmly. “And I’m sorry, Keiji. But I can’t keep putting you back together. It isn’t healthy for any of us.”

Akaashi froze, the words making his blood run cold. 

_“You’ve done it again. You’ve exhausted people again, and they’re going to get rid of you too.”_ He thought to himself, pulling away. The pain in his chest was almost unbearable. _“You’re going to ruin it all again. You need to stop it before they decide they’re done with you.”_

“I think I know what to do.” Akaashi lied, his heart racing. “Thank you for your help and I’m sorry.” 

Before either man could reply, Akaashi was rushing out the door. He knew what he was going to do now, but not for his problem with Toru.

For a few days, Akaashi disappeared. He didn’t try to ignore Sugawara or Daichi, but he wanted to give them space again. Telling himself that if he let them have a break from him they’d recharge enough to want him back. 

_“You’re not allowed to bother them for a few days.”_ He told himself, planning a list of things to do to keep his mind distracted. And for a few days, that’s what he did. 

In three days time, he finally allowed himself to reply. He allowed himself to apologize for being so busy. He allowed himself to thank them for being his friends. And he allowed himself to pretend everything was okay. 

It was a shame the day after he was still too afraid to burden them. It was a shame he had to deal with the next night all on his own. Because Akaashi Keiji can not survive on his own, he never could. 

That night, Akaashi finally spoke to Toru. He told his partner how awful the arguing made him feel, and how he didn’t want to be guilted into living with him. That the time would come if Toru was kind enough to give him what he asked, just time. He had planned this emotional scene where they’d both cry and hug and make up. Instead, Oikawa nodded his head along and let out some apologizes before saying the words that left Akaashi confused.

“I want to have sex.” 

Akaashi could only stare in response. It wasn’t like the subject had never come up before, but he had never expected it now. 

“I.. okay?” Akaashi forced out. “Like.. right now?”

“I mean, sure. But.” Oikawa sighed. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have been so mean to you lately. I’ve just been… sexually frustrated. I wanted to talk about this in a better way, but I’ve been stressed from work and.. I’m sorry, babe.”

“It’s okay. It’s just, so sudden.” Keiji said, looking at his feet. “But I understand, I guess it’s just a funny thing to talk about.”

“So, we can?” Oikawa sounded excited now. “I know we talked about some stuff we were into, or wanted to try. And I figure we’ve been together long enough that we don’t need to take it slow.” 

“I’ve never actually done this stuff before, Toru.” Keiji laughed. ‘I don’t think I could just-”

“But I have.” Toru said, angrily cutting him off. “I know you’re a virgin and this stuff is new to you or whatever. But your first time isn’t romantic, it’s almost gross. Don’t you want to.. I don’t know. Make it exciting?”

“I… I guess.” Akaashi could feel his face flush red. 

“Perfect, I’ve already gone shopping.” Oikawa stood up now, walking over to where Akaashi sat and placing his hand under his chin.

“Whoa, can we slow down a bit?” Akaashi laughed, his heart pounding and he tried to lean away from his partner's touch. 

“Is that a no?” Oikawa sounded disappointed, and angry. It made Akaashi feel sick.

“No.. I want to. I’m just scared.” Akaashi promised, he felt as if he was going to vomit. 

“Then leave it all to me. Don’t worry about anything.” Before Akaashi could reply, Toru had forced him into a kiss. 

When it was all over, Oikawa had left. He freed Akaashi’s hands and left him there. While Oikawa showered, Akaashi laid there in silence. His mind began to race and his body aching. If he had wanted this, and this is what adults do, he should be happy. He should have been overjoyed, he should be in the bath with Oikawa now laughing and melting into his arms. That’s how it was supposed to be. So why did he feel so disgusting? 

He went home that night, showered and laid in bed. He had almost convinced himself it had never happened until he woke up in the morning and every part of his body ached. For a few days, things were okay. If anything Oikawa seemed happier than ever. 

Akaashi wished he could bleach that night from his brain. He had wanted it, he had agreed. Oikawa even asked him twice more if Akaashi was sure. And he was, he really was. He wanted to. But he didn’t want to disappoint his partner either.

Oikawa wanted more than just one intimate night with Akaashi, he wanted to make Akaashi understand how “he had felt all this time”. How much he felt Akaashi had teased him, and how much he wanted him. Akaashi thought being wanted like this would make him happy, but he didn’t. He hated it. He hated how Toru had kissed him. He hated how the ropes had left burns on his wrists’ that lasted days. He hated how his body was covered in love bites, and how it reacted when Oikawa called him awful things while he laid there and tried not to look him in the eyes. He hated how he could feel his entire body heat up, how it liked how it was being touched. 

“Don’t be so boring, say something. Or do something, moan at least.” Oikawa had spat, his grip on Akaashi’s hips tightening so much they’d leave marks on Akaashi for weeks. 

Akaashi had said nothing, swallowing hard. 

He had liked it, and he hated it. He hated how Oikawa touched him, and how he enjoyed it. He hated how he had made a mess in Oikawa’s hands, and how the man degraded him for it.

_“It’s your fault.”_ Akaashi told himself even to this day. _“You could have stopped anytime you wanted. He asked you so many times if you were sure.”_

Akaashi had thought he would never feel that way again, but the fights came back. This time, Keiji knew how to stop Toru from ignoring him, even if it made him feel sick to his stomach. And even then, it didn’t always make Toru happy.

_“Can’t you do something other than lay there? It’s so unattractive.”_

_“Why don’t you want to do something more exciting?”_

_“I know you’re busy but you’re the only one that can help me when I’m like this.”_

_“You love me don’t you?”_

_“Can’t you take another picture? Something more exciting?”_

_“Why didn’t you tell me it hurt? Now you made me look like an asshole.”_

After a year with Oikawa, Keiji had felt drained of every ounce of energy he had. He was always tired, nervous and lonely. Oikawa stopped speaking to him unless Akaashi could “make it worth his time” and eventually, that’s all they did together. 

Koshi and Daichi were the ones who finally told him what was happening wasn’t healthy, that it wasn’t what love was supposed to make you feel like. For the first time in a long time, Oikawa told his partner how he felt. 

Akaashi could still feel the sting left after Oikawa had raised his hand to Keiji for the first and last time. 

“Are you SICK IN THE HEAD, KEIJI?” Toru had spat. “Do you understand what you’re accusing me of? You told them I assaulted you?” 

“I didn’t say that! I just said I didn’t like it. I want to do more with you than just fucking sex, Toru.” Akaashi cried, his hands shaking. 

“We would have more time for that if you fucking moved in with me, Keiji!” Oikawa spat back. “But no, you sit all alone in that apartment of yours and cry everytime you’re alone. You beg to be taken care of by anyone who will have you because you’re too fucking stupid to fix your own issues. You probably lied to them because lord knows you love your sympathy.”   
  


“I didn’t lie!” Keiji spat back. “I’ve never lied to any of you!”

“Oh that’s right you’re just ‘paranoid’ and ‘worried’ so you make yourself sick with imaginary problems.” Oikawa laughed. “You’re pathetic, and I’m done with you.”

For a moment, Akaashi could only stare, his mouth agape. 

“What..? Toru, what are you saying?” Keiji sobbed. 

“Get out of my house and never come back, Akaashi.” Oikawa said, grabbing him by the arm and leading him out the door. 

Time seemed to speed up in Akaashi’s eyes, one moment he was crying in front of Oikawa and the next he was on his way home. He didn’t remember making in there, he didn’t even remember falling asleep. He didn’t remember getting dressed for work the next day, or the phone calls from Koshi, Daichi and Oikawa. 

He didn’t remember crying so hard he made himself sick as he read Oikawa’s texts begging for him back, and then calling him awful things. He didn’t remember telling Oikawa he was done with him, just to be called crazy and told he was “too unstable to know what he really wanted” and that “he was just having a moment”. He didn’t remember blocking Oikawa’s number, just to have a new one a day later sending him photos of himself and telling him he’d “never meet someone who’d want him ever again”. 

He didn’t remember any of it, that’s what he told himself. 

At age twenty-one Akaashi Keiji finally moved again and quit his job. This time, in the next city over, he started working in retail. Daichi and Koshi soon followed, due to Oikawa hunting them down and begging to hear from Akaashi again. Daichi told them both he had no issue switching schools. Akaashi still called Koshi crying in guilt these days. 

It was there Akaashi met Bokuto Koutarou. Bokuto was a very outgoing, loud and funny person. The only reason they had met was because Bokuto had been in the same store Akaashi was in, and had knocked over almost an entire shelf when he slipped. Bokuto thought it was quite funny, Akaashi was glad he wasn’t the only one cleaning up the mess. 

Bokuto had come back everyday after that, chatting up Akaashi whenever he found him. Daichi and Koshi found it strange, Akaashi found it sweet. Soon, they had exchanged numbers and had become friends. 

One night, Bokuto invited Akaashi over for a small party he was throwing. Akaashi accepted because Koshi had encouraged him to. He couldn’t stay cooped up in his place forever.

_“They’re both probably sick of me. They want me to look for more friends so they don’t have to take care of me all the time.”_ Keiji thought to himself as he smiled and nodded along. 

That night, Akaashi hoped that for a little while he wouldn’t have to think about anything that worried him that night. That for once it could just be a calm evening with him and his new friend. 

That was until he saw Kuroo. 

It almost didn’t feel real, the fact that Kuroo had been the one to open the door. That Akaashi finally put together all the traits Bokuto had explained about “his best friend that Akaashi just had to meet”. The way their eyes met and widened when they both realized they knew each other. 

“Akaashi? Akaashi Keiji?” Kuroo finally asked, eyeing the boy up and down.

“Goodbye.” Akaashi said, turning around.

“Wait!” Kuroo said, grabbing onto Akaashi’s arm.

Akaashi could feel his face begin to heat up, the sick feeling in his stomach becoming harder to ignore. Tears began to well up in his eyes. He couldn’t tell if he was angry, scared, upset or happy to see Kuroo again. 

“Akaashi, I’ve missed you. We all missed you.” Kuroo said softly. “When Bokuto first told me about you, I didn’t want to believe it. But...it just sounded so much like you.” 

“I want to leave, Kuroo.” Akaashi finally said, crying now.

“Akaashi..” Kuroo’s voice broke, he was crying as well. “Do you know how much Kenma and Hinata talk about you? Do you know how much they miss you? I know we all hurt you and..it doesn’t matter anymore.”

Akaashi wasn’t sure what had come over him, but he pulled the taller boy into a hug. As he cried, it felt as if years of stress and pain had been lifted off his shoulders, at least for this moment.

“This doesn’t feel real. I thought you all hated me. I thought you never wanted to see me again.” Akaashi sobbed. “Where is Kei? And Kenma and Hinata.”

Kuroo seemed to pause for far too long. 

“They aren’t in the city right now. They all are in college and kind moved all over the place, but I’m still in contact with them. I think they’ll be happy to hear about you.” Kuroo said with a smile. 

“What’s going on out here?” 

The familiar voice surprised both boys enough to pull apart. 

“Bokuto!” Kuroo said, patting the other boy on the back. “Listen, something came up and I need to leave. Akaashi, you keep him busy okay.”

Kuroo seemed panicked, almost scared. It made Akaashi a little nervous, but as Kuroo made his way inside, Bokuto filled the silence immediately. 

“So, do you know him?” Bokuto had asked. He must have noticed how uncomfortable Akaashi looked because his next response sounded kinder. “Oh, is it bad?”

“It’s a long story. A very long story and you might not like me by the end of it.” Akaashi said, not meeting Bokuto’s eyes.

“Hmm. How about a deal?” Bokuto said, grabbing Akaashi’s hand and leading him inside. “I’ll tell you a very long story and you tell me yours.” 

As the two made their way to Bokuto’s room, Akaashi had decided it was only fair. It was better for Bokuto to leave now before Akaashi got too attached.

In Bokuto’s room, the sound of the music barely audible behind the closed door, Bokuto smiled. 

“I think I can trust you.” Bokuto said simply. “And I want you to trust me. So, I hope this doesn’t scare you off.”

Bokuto sat next to Akaashi on the bed and sighed. “I hope you know that me sharing this with you means you mean a lot to me, Keiji. But… you can stop me at anytime.” 

“Promise I will if I get uncomfortable.” Akaashi said, mostly joking. But, he never did.

So, that’s when Akaashi finally knew Bokuto Koutarou. Bokuto was studying to be a social worker, he had told Akaashi he had decided on the job due to his upbringing in an unhealthy home in the past. However, he had never told Akaashi the rest of the story.

His father left after his little sister was born and his mother became an angry alcoholic. Koutarou had run into some bad friends when he was younger, and caused a lot of trouble growing up. But one day in highschool, he had come home to finally see his father again. Unfortunately, he and his mother had passed away. 

His father had come back, this time a better man. His mother, enraged, killed him with the gun Bokuto had hidden away from her only a few months before. Then, she turned it on herself. Bokuto and his sister were taken into foster care, and when she was of age, his sister left the state to pursue her dream. Bokuto still talks to her sometimes, but he knows she only wishes to forget her old town and the things that happened here. Koutarou started seeing a therapist, and cleaned his act up. He even graduated early his last year, and had been working and in college since. 

Akaashi had cried by the end of it, but Bokuto wore a bittersweet smile. 

“I would like to think that I’ve taken my past and let it make me a better person. It still hurts, and sometimes I still cry. But it isn’t something that defines me or the life I have to take. You know? “ Bokuto said, wiping the tears off of Akaashi’s face. “I was the monster and now I am the sword.”

“My story must make me sound like an awful person compared to you.” Akaashi had said, looking at his hands. 

“If you’re ready, I’d love to hear it.” Koutarou had said, reaching down and giving Akaashi’s hand a small squeeze. “If I’m not comfortable, I’ll tell you. Sometimes we aren’t prepared to hear bad news, but that doesn’t mean people have to bottle it up. It’s okay to be sad, and it’s okay to not want to be sad.” 

“Promise me the second I become exhausting you stop me, and get rid of me.” Akaashi said, making Bokuto quite confused. 

“I will stop you, don’t worry.” He had said, unaware of what Akaashi meant. 

So, Akaashi began. 

Akaashi’s father had left before he was born, and his mother found out she was pregnant with him far too late. She never wanted kids, and wasn’t ready for them. She hadn’t healed from her own childhood, and often told Akaashi she had never been prepared to protect his either. He was born when his mother was only twenty, and she had not been ready to stop living her life. 

For the first few years of his life, if his neighbor wasn’t taking care of him, no one was. His mother never held him unless she had to, she hated feeding him. She had many times told him she had wished he had died back then, but said she didn’t wish that anymore. It didn’t stop Akaashi from hurting all the same. 

His mother would get drunk and scold him for every little thing, and then she’d tell him how lucky he was. Because her parents hit her. Because they worked her to the bone. Because her parents didn’t love her at all, and were awful to her. Because her first love, and his father, knocked her up and ran. Because at least she took care of him, when most days she had to take care of herself as a kid. And she had thrown away her life and dreams for Akaashi.

Sometimes his mother would cry, she would come into his room and brush his hair with her hands and beg for him to forgive her. She would tell him she loved him, and that she was sorry. She would promise she’d be better. And for a few days, she was. 

But the cycle continued and continued for years. 

“One day.” Akaashi started. “One day, she left me in the care of a man she shouldn’t have. It only happened once, and I told her immediately.” 

Akaashi couldn’t help but look away, the look on Bokuto’s face was far too heartbreaking. 

“I used to think I was lucky.” He explained. “Because then my mom changed, she got better. She stopped drinking, and she started crying more.” 

He laughed to himself. “I must sound awful, like a vile person. But I was a child, and just glad my mother loved me and seemed to care for once.”

Things did change, his mother had gotten therapy. By the time Akaashi was in middle school she had stopped drinking all together, and the drunken apologizes stopped too. Sometimes she got angry, sometimes she still said things she didn’t mean. But, Akaashi was happy for anything he could get.

“Middle school seemed to get better.” Akaashi said simply. “I met my best friends. But they aren’t around anymore.”

Akaashi explained everything, their dynamic, how exhausting he must have been, the times they had to come over and make sure he was still alive. The times he hurt himself or tried to take his life and they were there to mend all his wounds and put him back together again. The good memories they shared and all the bad. 

When they left him, and how Akaashi had shut them all out when they tried to come back again. Keiji couldn’t hide anything from him. 

“Where are you now?” Bokuto finally asked. 

“I’ve met two amazing friends. Koshi and Daichi, they take care of me now.” Akaashi said, he really did enjoy talking about the two of them. To Akaashi, they were his angels. 

“Take care of you? They’re your friends. Not your parents. I’m sure they would rather say they help you out.” Koutarou tried to say. Akaashi only smiled weakly in response. 

“Well.” Koutarou began. “Have you dated anyone? Or is it just them?”

Akaashi shook his head. “That’s a whole other insane story, maybe another time.”

“When I have something else to share as a trade.” Bokuto jokes, giving Akaashi another reassuring squeeze. 

In a few weeks, Akaashi would come to Bokuto again and he’d tell him everything that had happened with Oikawa. He’d show up on his doorstep, crying and looking for assurance that it wasn’t his fault. That Akaashi was safe now. Like he did every night with Koshi and Daichi, Akaashi milked Bokuto for every bit of love he had to give.

Another week later, Kuroo would call Akaashi and break his heart all over again. 

“I’m sorry, Keiji.” Kuroo said, Akaashi was sure he had been crying. “They aren’t willing to talk to you again. Kenma said...it reopened old wounds. And Hinata and I don’t speak anymore.”

“It’s fine.” Akaashi promised, forcing a laugh. “I should have known. It’s been years after all. I’m fine, and I hope they are as well.”

A month later on December 5th, Akaashi’s twenty-second birthday, he tried to kill himself again. 

Koshi had been the one to find him, the one to call for help and the one that stopped the blood enough for Akaashi to make it to the hospital in time. Daichi was the only one that visited, because for four months Koshi couldn’t leave his home. 

“I must be the worst person on the planet.” Keiji had laughed to himself, staring in the mirror. “Look at me, puffy face and red eyes. Crying my heart out. I sucked everyone dry, ruined Koshi’s life again. Daichi and him can’t stop checking in on me, and Daichi’s worried sick over the both of us. Yet I’m the one crying. I am the monster.”

Koshi and Daichi didn’t hear from him for a month, Akaashi promised them it was okay. That he just wasn’t allowed to speak to them again. That he was making things better, and helping them get away from him. He said he’d try to go away forever this time. 

For the first time in his life, Daichi yelled at him. 

“You are the reason you suffer, Keiji.” He had sobbed over the phone. “You make it so hard to love you.” 

Koshi had made Daichi apologize but it was another two months before Akaashi listened. 

“I think I can behave this time.” Keiji had promised. Koshi had only sighed. 

In time, Bokuto and Akaashi found themselves dating. After all, Koutarou had found himself there every night Sugawara and Daichi couldn’t be. It was not a surprise Akaashi had tricked Koutarou into loving him. He had done it with Kenma, Kei, Hinata, Kuroo, Daichi, Koshi and Oikawa so easily. Hadn’t he? 

“Are you sure?” Koutarou had asked Keiji the first time they had tried to sleep together. 

“Does it matter?” Akaashi had laughed. “Use me however you please, just don’t leave me.” Bokuto had cried, refusing to touch Akaashi for days. 

“I’m not him. I’m not any of them, Keiji. I’m not going to leave you.” Koutarou had promised. “You’re my everything, I want to help you and make you happy.”

Akaashi knew he was lucky, and he knew he was loved. But even in therapy he apologized for every moment he wasted. The day Koshi and Daichi had married, Keiji had gotten drunk and cried in the bathrooms. Because how dare he take the place of best man, when he had to have been the worst thing that happened to the pair. The worst thing that happened to everyone.

On Keiji’s twenty-third birthday he was given a cat by Koutarou. As a way to celebrate nine months together. 

“They love unconditionally.” Koutarou had said as Keiji held the small kitten close. “Well, as long as you feed them and stuff. It comes easily to them.” 

Akaashi had raised his voice once to the animal, after she had knocked over a plant and made a mess for him to clean up. As he sat down to collect the dirt in his hands he began to sob. It took Bokuto hours to calm him down and assure him he was allowed to pet her again.

“In fact it’ll probably make you both feel better.” Koutarou had promised.

But, even small arguments seemed to make Keiji fall apart at the seams, so much so he started keeping quiet about the things that worried him. However, if no one noticed he believed no one truly cared. And when they showed him, he felt guilty. 

It was a constant cycle, and Keiji seemed to be the only enemy he had to face anymore. 

Keiji had stopped working one day after he dropped the cat off to Koshi and Daichi. For three days no one could find him, not until Kuroo brought him to Koutarou’s doorstep.

“He’s been fired. And I’m not sure how he’ll pay for his apartment now.” Kuroo had said, exhausted 

“I’ll take care of him.” Koutarou had promised, his heart aching as he listened to Keiji sob in the other room.

“You can’t save him, Koutarou.” Kuroo had said. “I’m afraid he’s a lost cause.”

Bokuto could only laugh, looking away in fear if he caught a glimpse of Kuroo’s face he might explode with anger. 

“I’ll take care of him.” He had promised. 

Koshi and Daichi allowed Bokuto to take the cat back, if Keiji promised he’d stop hiding from them. Akaashi promised, and for a few days all was okay. All was calm. Then, Akaashi called Bokuto at school and through his tears begged the man to leave him so he’d have no reason to stay. 

“I know what you’re doing.” Koshi had said to Akaashi that evening. “You want us to give up on you, you want us to get so tired we stop loving you. But you aren’t going to make us stop. You can’t keep causing problems and then feeling sorry for yourself, but you know that. We know you are a good person, Keiji. And we love you. So, please.”

“You can’t keep acting out because you’re scared of being happy.” Daichi had said, almost begging. “We aren’t gonna disappear because you have a bad day, we never have. But we can’t help you unless you let us.”

“What if I’m too far gone?” Akaashi had asked, crying as Bokuto held him in his arms. “What if I can’t be better? I’ve tried so hard and it never works. This is the worst year of my life.”

“And this year is going to end.” Koshi promised. “But your life isn’t. You can be angry at someone and still love them, you can be upset and still want them around.”

“I’ve ruined your lives, I’ve hurt you so many times. I always feel awful and apologize but I never stop.” Akaashi had said. “You will all leave me, and I just want you all to love me and be proud of me.”

“We are and we do, Akaashi.” Koshi said, making his way over to Akaashi to pull him into a hug. 

“Why won’t you guys stop fighting to keep me in your lives? Am I not exhausting?”

“Akaashi Keiji, you are worth fighting for.” Koutarou had said, and that had been the first time he had ever heard those words.

That night had been filled with crying, plenty of apologizing. Akaashi feared that would be the last straw, that after all this time he had finally pushed them all as far as they could go. 

But in the morning, the sun still rose. He still woke up beside Koutarou, and their cat too. Koshi still sent him a good morning message, and Daichi still messaged him to joke about the annoying classmate he hated. Akaashi and Koutarou still made breakfast together, and their cat still purred as she rubbed her face against his legs, begging for whatever they happened to be making. That evening, Keiji still visited Koshi, and they still did the spring cleaning they had planned. Kenma and Hinata never came back, there was no straight out of a fairytale scene where they saw him again and they all hugged and everything was alright again. They never built that restaurant or bakery they had promised to do. Kei visited rarely and when he did, the awkwardness never left. But Kuroo had finally started speaking to him more, and apologizes had been exchanged.

Things would never be perfect, Akaashi would never not worry ever again. Arguments would happen, and people would need time apart. But the world didn’t end, and he never stopped being loved. As Akaashi grew older, he would see many people come and enter his life. Some would hurt more than others, but he was never alone.

Somedays Akaashi Keiji was the monster of his own story, but that didn't mean he wasn't worth saving. It only meant he had to save himself, and it didn't hurt to have a little help. 


	2. Salting The Leech

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Bokuto realizes Akaashi isn't worth saving. Not canon to the previous chapter.

"You're only hurting yourself." Kuroo had told Bokuto that night. "He'll drain you dry, he's done that to all of us." 

Koutarou used to get angry hearing those words. He used to argue with Kuroo, saying such awful things that made him sick to his stomach, as if poison really was slipping past his lips. Koutarou used to say he hated Kuroo, that he had no right to talk about Akaashi the way he did. That no one did and Akaashi was getting better. That Akaashi was a good person deep down if you gave him the chance. 

Now they just made him laugh.

Bokuto Koutarou had loved Akaashi Keiji with everything he had. He had bent backwards for the man, hell Akaashi lived off of Bokuto now. After losing his job, and another suicide attempt, Keiji had found himself on Koutarou's doorstep again. 

"I don't mind." Koutarou had said, promising it to anyone that asked. And at first, he didn't. In fact, he LIKED being the breadwinner in a relationship. Well, as long as they lived together and had planned to be married. 

Bokuto didn't wanna marry Akaashi anymore. 

He used to think Keiji's laugh was lovely. He used to think it was his favorite sound, right next to the sound of his lovers voice. He used to think it was charming when Keiji stole his shampoo, he used to find it sweet when he laid next to him at night and Keiji would try to hide his face because Bokuto had asked him if he had missed him that day. He used to love it when Keiji asked to follow him out, even if it was just for a quick trip to the store. He used to find it nice that Akaashi would spend the whole day cleaning the house everyday so Bokuto didn't have to worry about a thing when he got home. 

Now, he just wished Akaashi would shut up. It seemed like the boy just made noise just to annoy Bokuto, or perhaps just to hear himself. Like a baby. Now, he was sick of never being able to find anything. He was sick of Akaashi trying to help just to make him late in the morning. Now, when Akaashi stole his shampoo it annoyed him, because he was sick of running out of it so quickly and he was sick of waiting for Akaashi to get ready everytime he just had to make a quick trip.

"I bought some just for you, ya know." Koutarou had tried to explain once. 

"Oh, I'm sorry." Akaashi had said, forcing a smile. Koutarou could tell he had hurt the boys feelings, and some part of him really didn't care.

Still, a few days later Bokuto had gotten sick of the way Akaashi had began to mope around. So, he had snuck into the shower room one night and taken everything but what he had bought for himself and hid them away. When Bokuto had gotten home that night, Akaashi seemed to have felt much better, greeting Bokuto with a tight hug and a smile.

_"Good. I was sick of your crying."_ A part of him thought, but he had quickly felt guilty.

"Everyone has impulsive thoughts they don't like." Daichi had told him that night. "As long as you don't actually believe them. You don't actually feel that way about him, right?"

"Of course not!" Koutarou had said far too quickly. "I love him, more than I have ever loved anyone."

Daichi seemed to be happy with his answer. Bokuto wondered if he had truly meant it. 

Bokuto found himself leaving without telling Akaashi anymore, telling him he didn't wish to wake him. Or telling him he didn't want to make Akaashi rush to get ready. In truth, he just wanted to be alone. He just wanted a break from his partner. He found himself being out later and later, telling Akaashi he just lost track of time, he loved him, and he was sorry. 

"You have to tell him one day." Kuroo said one night, laying next to his secret lover in his bed. "You're only hurting yourself, and you're hurting him too."

"I still love him. I can't live without him, you know that." Bokuto lied through his teeth.

"No, he just can't live without you." Kuroo replied, refusing to look Koutarou in the eyes. "And you feel guilty about it."

Bokuto would only turn away in response. 


	3. little loser boy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I was thinking about turning this one shot into a whole fanfic cause most of my kudos came from it! But, I think this version of Akaashi is just very personal. A lot of things that happened to him here and the previous chapters, are like things that have happened to me. But, they're mostly manifestations of my biggest fears, impulsive thoughts, paranoia, and worst case scenarios I create after conflict. But, when I was debating it I wrote a test chapter and it ended up to be ten pages. While I'm not proud of this one, I figure those of you who have bookmarked and liked this would enjoy another chapter. This is supposed to be kinda a flashback? But the story might seem a little different than the first chapter. I was gonna change a few things around because I am SOOO bad at timelines. But, anyways...enjoy.

“I still love you, Keiji.”

His mother was sobbing next to him now, holding his hand so tightly that it began to hurt. He would have pulled it away if he had the energy, or didn’t feel so awful at the thought of it. 

“I love you too, mom.” Akaashi forced out, refusing to look at his mother’s face. He feared he’d break down too if he saw just how miserable he had made her right now.

“You think I’d stop loving you because of what happened? I’m still angry with you, but I would never stop loving you.” Keiji was sure he knew what she was trying to say, but the words still left and unpleasant taste in his mouth. 

“I’m sorry.” Was all he could manage to say. “I’m really sorry, mom.” 

“Why did you do this?” His mother had barely managed to force the words out. “Why didn’t you just talk to me? You think a letter would be good enough to make me forgive you leaving me all alone? You think I’d ever wanna go a day without my BABY?” 

_ “I did try to talk to you. I didn’t want you to get angry with me again. Did you even read it?”  _ Keiji thought to himself, clenching his jaw in an attempt to keep himself for letting out a sob. 

“Look, I can get you another therapist. I’ll get you a new one as long as you promise to not fill their head with the same bullshit you did to  _ her.  _ Okay?” He could already picture the smile on her face, the same one she wore when she wanted him to agree with her. The same that used to make him believe he could trust her. 

“Okay.” Keiji replied, suddenly feeling as if he was suffocated. 

_ “Just let it end. Just please stop talking to me.”  _ He wanted to say. 

He knew his mother wouldn’t hurt him, she hadn’t raised a hand to him in years. But he suddenly felt trapped, the anxiety taking form as a pain in his abdomen. 

Akaashi didn’t notice the nurse who had arrived until he heard her whisper something to his mother.

“Oh Jesus.” She mumbled, sniffling as she let go of her son.

“I need to go sign some stuff so they don’t keep you locked in here. Ridiculous, as if you’re some kind of loony toon.” His mother said as she made her way to the door. “I’ll be right back.”

Akaashi heard her stop at the door, and the sigh she let out before she turned back around.

“We’ll figure this out together, okay?” His mother’s words felt like a stab in his chest. “No more of these sad letters of yours. And no more sad music.” 

Akaashi almost wanted to laugh. He knew she wouldn’t actually do more than scold him if she caught him listening to his  _ “depressing music”  _ as she had always called it. She’d only tell him it was his fault for how pathetic he always acted. It wasn’t like he never listened to anything happy, but it was just one thing on a giant list of things his mother didn’t like about him he supposed. 

“Though,” Akaashi began to say to himself, “at least this time she had a good reason to hate it so much.”

He couldn’t help but let out a snicker. 

“Very teen angst of you.” Kenma would later joke as he laid next to Keiji in the hospital bed. “Taking an entire bottle of pills and slipping away while listening to sad songs.”

“What would you have done if the last thing you heard was an ad?” Shoyo would add, sitting at the end of the bed. 

“I guess it’d be a funny story to tell you guys in the future.” Akaashi would mumble, reaching to hold Kenma’s hand in his.

“There’s no way you’d end up in heaven, Akaashi Keiji.” Hinata teased as he playfully reached to grab Kenma’s hand instead. 

“And you two would?” Akaashi could only roll his eyes, slapping Hinata’s hand away.

“Well. Shoyo might.” Kenma mumbled. “Can you two stop fighting over me?”

The boys sat in silence, giving eachother a reassuring squeeze. And for the first time in two days, Akaashi felt loved. He felt okay. He was glad it ended up this way, all three of them able to laugh over what had happened.

Akaashi had tried to kill himself before, but this was the first time he had ended up in the hospital. He was almost glad to wake up anywhere but his room before having to rush himself to the bathroom before his urge to vomit would come. 

Or more embarrassingly, he’d feel nothing at all. If not very refreshed from his deep sleep. Who knew that melatonin tablets really weren’t that strong. Apparently not Akaashi, until his second attempt that is. 

Hinata would always get upset when Akaashi mentioned it.

It wasn’t like none of them took it seriously. Akaashi was always either hot or cold, it was always easier if neither of the boys acted like they weren’t hurt by Akaashi’s actions. And Akaashi tried not to think about how worried he made his friends some nights. 

“Do me a favor, both of you.” Kenma said after a few moments. “Promise me you'll both stay at least until finals. Maybe the teachers will give me a good grade out of guilt.”

“Don’t worry, I already had a backup date scheduled around then.”

“That’s not funny, Keiji.”

“It’s a little funny.” 

  
  
  
  
  


The next week, it was as if nothing had ever happened. Kenma and Shoyo stopped sleeping over to make sure he didn’t do anything stupid. Akaashi’s mother stopped making him eat at the dinner table, and talking about how both their days were as if the pair were in some sort of teen movie. She stopped caring if she yelled at him, and stopped waking him up early every morning to make sure he made it through the night. Things were back to normal like they always were after Akaashi had another one of his  _ “bad days”.  _

It was almost funny to him. No one worried about him for long because they knew that’s how he was. Akaashi Keiji wasn’t himself if he wasn’t sad, he had no identity. And he’d always bounce back, right? Hell, sometimes he couldn’t even last a few hours before having a meltdown over something that didn’t really matter. 

Akaashi had never noticed it before, not until the summer before his last year in high school.

Akaashi had a habit of disappearing when he was upset. He had a horrible habit of either talking too much or not talking at all when he wanted comfort. 

“I’m a bit too much sometimes.” He would joke if you asked him why. “Sometimes I even exhaust myself. Being sad all the time isn’t as cute as they make it sound in the movies, is it?” 

But he had never gone more than a few days before Kenma or Shoyo ended up at his doorstep demanding answers. This time, it had been two weeks. 

_ “They must be busy.”  _ He had thought to himself.  _ “Or maybe they just don’t know I was upset. I didn’t want to bother them, it seems like I’m never not upset anyways.”  _

So, he reached out to his best friends first, something he hadn’t done many times since knowing the pair since middle school. 

If you could call sending a video of a cute animal  _ “reaching out” _ , that is.

The first few hours were agonizing. For the first time in years the group chat the boys had made in middle school had been completely silent since Akaashi went missing. Even if Akaashi didn’t speak much for a few days, Kenma and Shoyo always filled the silence. It seemed the two never ran out of things to say. 

Not that Keiji was bothered by this. He had never been the most talkative person before he had met his friends. Instead letting his friends lead the conversations unless he was absolutely sure what he had to say might be interesting. Shoyo and Kenma always said they didn’t mind, as long as he tried. 

The next few hours were even worse.

_ “Surely they’ve seen my message by now. I sent it at ten this morning, and it’s almost six now.”  _ He thought to himself.  _ “It must not have been as interesting as I thought it was.”  _

So, again he tried to catch their attention. This time, he asked them both how they had been. After a few seconds of waiting, his prayers were finally answered.

  
  


**_Kenma is typing…_ **

**Akaashi: Ken!**

**_Kenma is typing…_ **

  
  


Then suddenly, it stopped. 

_ “He must have a lot to say. Or maybe he was called to do something.”  _ Akaashi tried to tell himself. 

_ “Or maybe he doesn’t wanna talk to you.”  _ Some part of him said. 

The thought made Akaashi sick to his stomach. He loved his friends, and he knew they loved him. And he also knew it hurt when he questioned otherwise.

It’s not like he did it on purpose, he wasn’t proud of the way he thought at all. He didn’t like the little voice in his head that told him such awful things every second he was awake. He didn’t like it when he was left alone for just a moment and felt as if he needed to be told he was still wanted. 

He had been like this since he could remember. And it had only caused him issues his entire life. There was a reason Akaashi didn’t have many friends, at least long term ones.

It always started the same.

_ “You can talk to me! I’ll reassure you anytime you want! I love you, promise.”  _ They’d always say. 

_ “Everyone needs a little reassurance sometimes, I don’t mind repeating it until you believe me.”  _ That was his least favorite line. 

Maybe everyone did mean it, or at least thought they did. Or maybe they had just wanted to be kind. Akaashi would never know. 

But, after awhile it'd always end up the same. They’d get tired of repeating themselves, they’d get tired of Akaashi needing their attention constantly. They’d tell him how much it breaks their heart when he doesn’t believe them. 

Akaashi didn’t blame them, really he didn’t. They never meant to do any harm, and he knew he was the one who was making the relationship so difficult. If Akaashi had ever met someone just like him, he couldn’t imagine being as patient as his friends were with him. 

So, he had started becoming distant, quiet. And it only made things harder. Left to deal with his own thoughts in fear he’d break someone’s heart, he’d end up breaking his. 

_ “They must have noticed I’m upset by now, they just don’t care.”  _ He’d think to himself bitterly, knowing how absolutely vile he was being. 

And so another relationship would be ruined, because Akaashi would rather lose everyone than get his heart broken. He’d rather hurt someone before they hurt him. 

Kenma and Shoyo were the only two that knew him, more than he knew himself. They had known just vile Akaashi could be in his own head, and they had always said the same thing.

_ “We still love you, Keiji.”  _

They were the only two that believed Akaashi could get better. But by now it had been six years since the trio had met, and things hadn’t changed. Akaashi still had nights where he believed the pair didn’t want him at all. 

And these thoughts continued to worsen as the hours ticked on. 

Eight.

Nine.

Ten.

Eleven.

The hours passed on and on, and every minute seemed to be unbearable. 

Akaashi had felt like he was suffocating.

_ “They hate me. They’ll never wanna talk to me again. What’d I do? What on earth did I do? I just be the most awful person on the planet, I can’t do anything right.”  _ A part of him sobbed. 

_ “How awful. They’re terrible, how could they treat me like this? What the hell have I ever done? I’ve never done a thing wrong.”  _ Another part of him spat. 

Akaashi began to cry, his hands rushing to cover his mouth as he gagged. He felt like he was suffocating, like the room was caving in. The only sounds he could hear were his own sobbing but yet it felt like the room was far too loud. His stomach felt as if it was on fire. 

_ “Leave the group chat, you’re making them uncomfortable.” _

_ “Leave the group chat, you’ll get their attention.” _

_ “Say something, apologize and beg for an answer.”  _

_ “Say something, scream at them and call them awful for making you feel like this.” _

_ “Kill yourself, you’ll free them from you. You’ll do something good for once.”  _

_ “Kill yourself, you’ll make them feel bad and they’ll be left with the guilt forever.”  _

He played music as loud as he could handle, until it was too overwhelming and he had to stand up to pace. He did that until his anxiety led him to check his phone once more, and the silence was so loud he only wanted to drown it out again. They cycle repeated and repeated and repeated.

Another hour passed, and finally Akaashi had exhausted himself. With shaky hands, he placed his phone as far away from him as he could and laid down. 

“Tomorrow. Tomorrow I’ll decide.” He said to himself as he turned pulled the covers over his head.

_ “Decide what? Am I gonna just leave? Am I gonna argue with them? Am I gonna try again?” _ The blanket he was under began to make it even harder to breathe, but he feared if he moved he would find himself repeating the cycle again. That if he didn’t move, morning could not come. He would have no choice to make, and nothing bad would come.

But eventually, he did fall asleep. Eventually the sun did rise. And the nausea came back the moment he checked his phone again. 

_ “Nothing? Nothing at all? They didn’t say ANYTHING?”  _ Anger was all he felt now. 

“I don’t need them. Fuck them, I’ll never talk to them again.” He said to himself, hiding his face back into his pillow. “I’ll ignore them too. Longer than they’ve ignored me.” 

“Actually, no. I’ll tell them how I feel right now.” 

  
  


**_Akaashi is typing…_ **

**_Kenma is typing..._ **

**_Shoyo is typing…_ **

Akaashi could feel a sense of relief, not quite understanding why. 

**_Akaashi is typing…_ **

**_Shoyo is typing…_ **

**_Shoyo: hi! sorry I had a long day and didn’t feel like replying last night._ **

He could only laugh bitterly to himself. 

**_Shoyo is typing…_ **

**_Akaashi: oh that’s okay lmao I was just worried you two were mad at me_ **

**_Shoyo is typing..._ **

**_Kenma is typing…_ **

**_Shoyo: we could never be mad at you!! sorry we just thought you were upset with us_ **

**_Kenma: are you fine now_ **

**_Shoyo is typing…_ **

Akaashi felt sick as he read the message over. 

**_Akaashi: I am now that you’ve talked to me._ **

**_Shoyo is typing…_ **

**_Kenma: so you aren’t having another fit at us?_ **

**_Shoyo is typing…_ **

**_Akaashi: no ?_ **

**_Kenma: then why’d you go away for so long? we were worried about you_ **

**_Shoyo: it’s okay though ! I’m glad we’re all talking again and no ones mad_ **

Akaashi couldn’t help but begin to cry again. He hated when they were upset with him, and it was very clear Kenma was angry with him. 

**_Akaashi: sorry I just lost track of the days but I thought something was wrong cause the gc was dead_ **

**_Shoyo: oh yeah same haha_ **

**_Kenma: why don’t you ever reach out first then_ **

**_Shoyo is typing…_ **

**_Akaashi: sorry I was nervous haha_ **

**_Shoyo: it’s okay :) we’re all okay_ **

**_Akaashi: kenma why are you mad with me_ **

**_Kenma: no one is mad at you lol I was just asking like we can’t keep doing this forever akaashi you gotta be able to show us you care too we can’t just keep making sure you’re okay if you don’t seem to care about if we’re okay_ **

**_Shoyo: Jenna that’s not fair to him_ **

**_Shoyo: Kenma* wtf uh_ **

**_Kenma is typing…_ **

  
  


_ “So it was my fault.”  _ Akaashi thought to himself. 

**_Akaashi: I’m sorry, you’re right. I love you guys a lot. I’ll try harder._ **

**_Shoyo is typing..._ **

**_Kenma: thank you. that’s all I needed._ **

**_Shoyo: guys I just saw the fattest cat_ **

**_Kenma: we still love you, Keiji_ **

**_Kenma: WHAT THE SHOW US BITCH_ **

Akaashi watched as his two best friends continued to chat amongst themselves for a few minutes. He knew that this is how their fights would usually go, and he knew this was the end of this one. 

Still, they had never argued about something like this. They had never just ignored him when they were upset. At least never his long. 

_ “I’ll just do better.”  _ Akaashi thought to himself, finally allowing himself to join in with his friends.  _ “That way they won’t get mad again.”  _

Another two weeks came and went, and the same argument happened again. And then the next two weeks were the same. The arguments got longer, and the time apart did as well. 

Akaashi knew deep down that things were starting to change, he knew it the entire time. But he didn’t want to admit it. He didn’t want the “good days” go. He told himself he’d do better, that he’d stop making them so upset. 

That November, Kenma showed up on Akaashi’s door for the last time. Maybe if he would have known this was the last time he would hear Kenma’s voice he would have tried harder. He would have begged. 

The day of graduation, Akaashi didn’t leave his room. His mother called him selfish, told him he had robbed her of an experience she’d only get to have once. Tell him as her only child she  _ wanted _ to be proud of him. 

He just couldn’t handle the thought of seeing Kenma again. He couldn’t speak to him again, he couldn’t hear him say another cruel word to him.

_ “They’ll come back.”  _ Akaashi had told himself every night since then.  _ “They’ll come back and we’ll all apologize. I just need to wait one more day.” _

But high school would be the last time he would ever see either of the boys again. No matter how much he lied to himself, telling himself he’d be better. Telling himself if he had another chance he’d make them want him again. He’d do anything they asked. 

But he knew it wasn’t true. Akaashi didn’t want to apologize, he wanted unconditional love. The love he believed he had for them, but no one could ever feel for him. Because no one ever loved like Akaashi did. No one ever felt like he did, because Akaashi Keiji was not like anyone else. He was a freak, the monster of every story he was in. He had been their monster, and had never gone a day without being his own. 

He didn’t care if he hurt anyone, not really. He didn’t care if he drained everyone of every drop of energy and love they had to offer. He didn’t care if he exhausted the ones he loved to the point of insanity because at least he wasn’t alone. He didn’t care about anyone but himself, not really. 

That’s what everyone thought about him right? Maybe it was true. Maybe he was the most selfish and vile man on earth. 

Still, the last words he ever heard leave Kenma’s lips echoed in his head. Still, Akaashi wanted to delude himself to the belief they were true. 

Akaashi Keiji was an awful vile man. He didn’t deserve the air he breathed. But Kenma and Shoyo? To him, they were everything. They were gods. 

Gods couldn’t lie. They couldn’t hurt people, not unless they deserved it. They couldn’t do anything wrong. They were perfect, always pretty, always kind, adored by anyone who came into their life. Surely not as much as Keiji had adored them though.

“There just isn’t any way anyone could love them as much as I did.” He would say to himself some nights, clutching his chest as he cried. 

Why else would he still remember the words? Why else would he still be waiting even now? 

_ “How could they lie? How could those last words be a lie? He meant it, I know he did. So why’d he leave? How long do I have to wait?”  _ Akaashi would think to himself.  _ “He meant it when he said it, right?” _

  
  


He could still see the look on Kenma’s face. He could remember how the wind blew his hair, and how Kenma held his hand in his own. 

He could still remember the sad laugh that escaped his lips before he finally spoke again. 

**_“I still love you, Keiji.”_ **

  
  



End file.
